The State Of Affairs
It’s been a month and a half since I’ve shared anything on this site. My relationship with the site and writing had become toxic and I needed a break from the creative and perfectionistic pressures I was putting myself under. I also was undergoing an internal metamorphosis that challenged my personal identity and way I was expressing myself to the outside world. Well, a fair bit has happened since that last post and I thought it might be cathartic and potentially useful to you that I share.
2017 started with a bang. Not only was the country undergoing (and is still undergoing) a massive change of course but I was too. I observed myself becoming increasingly anxious, lethargic, and demotivated. The fire for life that I pride myself on having was reduced to smoldering coals and I found myself engaged in a tedious and unengaged way of living. My creativity was at an all-time low and I felt (even if I didn’t consciously recognize it) that something needed to change. Waking up at 8 a.m. on January 8th, the day after my birthday, fully clothed, absolutely hungover, and smelling of cheap alcohol and vomit was the catalyst to take action and attempt to figure my shit out.
I drove up to Golden, Colorado to stay with a friend and remove myself from all of my hometown stresses. It took a few days of questioning what the fuck I was doing and making habit changes before I felt loose enough to have fun, meet new people, and enjoy my time out there. I left Colorado after 6 days, still anxious and nervous, but with a clearer idea of what I needed to change and do moving forward. I wasn’t home for even 15 minutes after the 7 hour drive before my life got even more complicated and confusing.
I was horrified to discover that my girlfriend of almost a year had been caught cheating with someone I knew and considered a friend. Not only that, but it had been going on for some time and I had been completely consciously unaware. I confronted her and we spent one final night talking, reminiscing, and burying the love that we had built and shared over the course of our time together. Two kisses, our lips ice against ice, marked the end of the deepest and most passionate relationship I had had up to that point.
(I want to pause briefly to say that I forgive and still love this woman. The pain has been excruciating but I truly cherish the great times we had together and I’ve grown immensely as a result. I wish her nothing but success and happiness moving forward and I hope she learns from this experience so that future lovers and friends don’t get hurt in the same way. I am open to the possibility of friendship, but right now it feels like a far-off dream.)
It should go without saying, but I was a fucking wreck. I would wake up and just start crying and have to take breaks from work to drop to the floor and weep. It felt like Rocky Balboa had punched me in the gut and I was in a haze of disbelief, confusion, and heartache. If it weren’t for many amazing friends and my family, it would have been hard to do much of anything.
It’s been just shy of 3 weeks since all this craziness went down and it certainly hasn’t been easy. I’d be lying to you and myself if I said I was over it. I still feel the sadness of loss at times and I miss the life and girlfriend I had. But something funny has begun taking place.
I no longer feel like my life is without purpose and direction. I’ve been socializing more and cultivating a social acuity and verbal wit that I didn’t know I had. I’ve been more creative, outgoing, courageous, and confident. I’m trying new things and meeting new people and I plan on leaving the country for the first time ever later this year. I’m learning a ton about myself, other people, and the world around me. I feel more curious and interested in learning and I have an idea for a new project in the works. Life, while it’s been an emotional roller coaster, is beginning to feel good again.
I’ll end this by sharing some wisdom I’ve gleaned over the past month. We are in control of very little. Crazy shit can happen at any moment and in many cases, there’s not much you could have done to prevent it. “This won’t happen to me” can quickly become “Why the fuck did this happen to me?!” Life really hurts at times and all you can do is weather the storm. You are not entitled nor required to feel happy. The world and people aren’t always what you think they are or want them to be. You’re vulnerable to pain and sadness no matter how tough or “self-developed” you are. It’s normal and okay to stumble, feel confused, and feel like nothing makes sense or matters. But life gets better if you let it and each emotional valley is naturally paired with an emotional peak, you just don’t necessarily get to choose when and for how long each will last.
To end with a cliché quote that is actually pretty accurate “Everything is going to be fine in the end. If it’s not fine it’s not the end.” – Oscar Wilde.
I love you folks, take care of yourselves :).